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Feb. 4th, 2007 @ 11:44 pm (no subject)
Pretending to be someone else is the only thing I can do to keep myself from killing who I was.
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Jan. 30th, 2007 @ 01:05 pm Another gay statistic
So I know there is something wrong with me... I'm terrified and yet exhilirated.
I'm in a place where suicide actually makes so much sense. Not only does it make sense, but I really do want to do it.
I want to because I no longer believe love is real. And if love is not real, then neither is God. And if neither of them are real, I really have nothing left tying me to this world. I mean if I kill myself, yeah people may be sad... but they'd get over it, much the same way that I'm expected to get over Laura. Well, I'm not goin got get over Laura... so I'd spend the rest of my life in this aganoizing tournment. So either way I look at it, I can either start the torture now in this world and fuck some other lives up in the process... or start it now in hell where I won't fuck anyone else up, except for the few who might care at first that i'm gone (but again they'd get over it). Laura said she'd care... I think that's bullshit. If she's learned to live with out me already, then the rest of her life is no big deal. At least I'll never be with anyone else. At least she can live her life knowing that I never loved anyne else.

I love her
She loves Marisol
She does not love me
I cannot force her to love me, forced love is an oxy moron
If she leaves Marisol for me, she still will not love me
Because she loves Marisol.

I will never be able to make her happy like Marisol
I am not puerto rican
I do not let her be the butch
I do not want to harm her in sex
I am not Marisol...
And I am unable to make her happy.

Yet I do feel that this suicide would be an act of love
She would be free to love Marisol
Marisol would be free to love her with out the worry that I might come back, death afterall is final
My death might even bring them closer together... Laura would need to be consoled for a bit (maybe)

See why this is actually a good idea?
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Jan. 23rd, 2007 @ 04:18 pm better left unsaid?
Part of me wonders if I can say this to you. Part of me also hopes that you find my journal again and read this so I won't have to worry about when a good time would be to say any of this. But I want to tell you so badly, I want to scream this in your face, or have someone elso come along and slip this non-chalant-ly into a conversation with you. I want to tell you that I pray God would create me to be the lover and wife you need. I still want to love you as my wife. I want this whole experience we're going through now help me be better prepared to be that wife for you so I can be it not just for a short period till we get comfortable, but for the rest of our lives. I want God to be in our relationship... but right now, I just want to see you happy and loved, and I hope with every fiber in my being that you are.
I want to scream that to you because my heart is screaming that every night as I fall asleep and as the tears dry my face out and crust my eyes over. I want to give you stability and support and love and laughs and so much more... I truly want to give you the world. And I get now that it means I have to wait. And I will wait for you, with nothing more than a hope that someday the wait will be over. I love you Laura with a love stronger than death.
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Jan. 23rd, 2007 @ 12:46 pm (no subject)
I do beliieve these words still apply to you my sister, my bride..
I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
as long as i'm livig my baby you'll be
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Jan. 19th, 2007 @ 11:39 pm Faithless
When I prayed for you to come and you came... what was that?
If God didn't want us to be together, He had me fooled.

The perfectness of how we fit together... what was that?
If God didn't make me for you, He had me fooled.

The way we balanced eachother out in every aspect... what was that?
If God didn't create you as my other half, He had me fooled.

If what you say is true, you'll forgive me for no longer believing in God.
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Jan. 18th, 2007 @ 01:35 am Portrate of a murderer
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
How many more people will have to suffer because I'm alive? Holy Shit I've lost my sanity! I have put myself into hell. I regret every breath I'm taking. I am begging God to just let me die. I can't handle this life anymore! I have completely fucked up all that was important to me. I wrote a paper describing my idea of hell and came to the conclusion that hell was the state of knowing what love was and having that stripped from you. That's where I am... my very soul is being tormented. Well, my body is too... I can't eat, I keep throwing up from crying too much (and just from the whole body pain), I have dreams about suicide (and wake up only to sob because it wasn't real), and I don't believe in God anymore. My life is gone. I will die from this broken heart, and nobody believes me... but i can already feel it.

But I was such a fucking asshole to her! i take after my mom still... I show love by just hurting others! I've hurt her for so long! I just needed space... and now I lost her... to her perfect woman! I never deserved her... NEVER! Even when I was acting in love,m I never deserved her... she was too far above me.
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Oct. 10th, 2006 @ 10:36 am (no subject)
I don't knwo how to help my friend. See we go to this conservative Christian school and we managed to find another Bethel gay, which is really exciting. But I'm nervous at who my friend is when she is around this new-be. She does things that are totally not who she is. Like she says that she has all these morals and stuff, but gets in this mood a few months back (before meeting this new person) where she just wants to be bad. And this new person is an alcholic who also smokes. So now suddenly my best friend is going out and getting her cigarettes because the other is not yet even 18. Before there is no way that my friend would do that. Not only is she buying them, but seems to have the intention to smoke with the new person too. It's like my friend went from this headstrong person, to someone's lappy. An dI can't talk to her because she is already pushing me away. But at the same time, I feel like a terrible person because I almost want her to push me away. She has been really hurting me with the things she says. Her mom has been blaming me for "turning" her daughter gay (though she was the one that defintally put the first moves on me) and my friend seems to be starting to believe her mom... and that has been really makes me feel like a shitty person. So my friend drops all these comments about how things are my fault, and finally I just end up saying "I'm sorry for all the pain and guilt that i've caused you" and all she says back is that she needed my apology and thanks. Yes now I defintally feel like a terrible person. So maybe I just want her to push me away.
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Sep. 3rd, 2006 @ 08:43 pm outside the box, in the closet
Current Mood: depresseddown
I don't know what to do. I am just so unhappy with who I am. It's tearing me up inside. I don't want to be gay. I don't want to find women attractive... any more than I want to find men attractive. I just want to be left alone, no need to ever procreate or even sometimes come into contact with other human beings. Some people have a lot of pride in who they are and want to share themselves with everyone around them. And they look at me like I'm weak or a coward when I just don't want to get hurt. I love and hate this closet around me. I love it trapping me, so I don't have to come out... then nothing has to be official. (coming out just seems so official, like passing the point of no return). But I hate being confined, hate pretending, hiding that part of me from the people I think care about me the most.
My dad was an ass today at the fair. He made me really just hate myself... sweet. I got another hair cut. I now look very manly... like a white "fresh prince of Belair" type 'do when it's not hawked. He's beginning to think I'm a dyke. And he hates it. He hates that possibility- he called this couple that walked past us at the fair "some unnatural sodimites". He looked at me like he was hinting something. And then I have my best friend with me, who everyone thinks I'm dating (and I'm not... and it's a really big sore spot with me) because she's constantly touching me and whines when she can't or when I just don't want her to. Seriously, I just don't want to be touched right now, by anyone really. Unless it's someone I have a crush on, I really only want to be touched by them... and my crush would never touch me. So it's my dad and my best friend, and all I really want to do is run to a safe haven where it's ok to be myself. But the only place left ot go is back to school where I pretend that everything is ok. And go take my meds so I stop thinking about what is and what could be and think of things like fuzzy pillows and stoplight textures.
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Aug. 22nd, 2006 @ 02:27 pm (no subject)
I had a dream about Pam... People killed us... I watched her be killed and then they killed me... because we were gay I think. There were a bunch of us in a room, scared and trying to hide. Then these men came in a just shot people. Pam wasn't the first to be shot, I didn't know the first few people. But then they shot Pam, and I ran over to her and they shot me too. I'm still rattled over it all.
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Aug. 21st, 2006 @ 12:59 pm Serious Xty = Fake X
I feel like I was a better person when I was not a Christian. I feel like I was more capeable of showing love then. Now I just critique the other christians. It's as if I've lost my ability to love. It's not even that I'm a bad person now, because I'm no worse than I was... but there's something different. My smile feels fake. I was to tell people it is... but that sounds strange... and so sterotypical christian. I mean the sterotype that is quoted well in the vintage21.com jesus video #2 "Rule number 3: you must always smile and act happy." It's like I don't want to take this Christianity thing so seriously... but how can you not take seriously the thing that means the world to you. It's like this- I would gladly give up my life defending Jesus, but almost never give it up defending Christianity. That might have been just babble and not made sense outside of my head so sorry.
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Aug. 11th, 2006 @ 03:53 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: contemplativeforgetful
I'm a little anarexic again. I maybe eat one meal a day. and that meal may be a bag of chips. But I don't feel hungry. But I also think something may be wrong with me. I was going to write something more important than that... but I left the room and forgot what it was by the time I came back. Dang.
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Aug. 11th, 2006 @ 01:01 pm (no subject)
Why can't you talk yourself out of liking someone? Especially when that person hardly knows you are alive. Or when that person doesn't even live in the same state as you. Or if they are 6 years older than you... or all of those! I only met them once too! I started to have a crush on her when I just saw her! That was already bad news because I was in my Christian school and she was there with the Equality Ride. I was trying to pretend to not be gay. I got to talk to her after the presentation, and she was so nice. I even got to hug her. I got her e-mail address and have been e-mailing her. And a few times I got to talk to her on the phone. It wouldn't be so bad if I had never met her, or saw her face. She is breathtakingly beautiful. But seriously- she lives in a different state, she is 6 years older than me, and so so so out of my league.
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Aug. 10th, 2006 @ 02:36 pm (no subject)
It's official. I'm alone. Nobody will be around me for like a week. I feel confined, when I'm really freeier than I've ever been... kinda. I have no money, less than no money really. So I'm sitting at work trying to think of how I can get more kids to come to youth group, and how I can help the ones who are already here.
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Aug. 9th, 2006 @ 08:31 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
( conversations in circles )
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Aug. 6th, 2006 @ 11:10 pm (no subject)
My best friend came out of the closet. She told her dad. We've basically been lovers for like 2 years. I dunno though... I've expressed this quite a few times, but I don't really want to be someone's lover. It's strange to explain, and I don't even get it. I want sex to be more pure than this. I don't want it to be casual or anything like that. Having had so much sexual abuse in my past... I don't want to look back on my best friend and think that I abused sex with her as well. I dunno, like I can't call myself pure... and that really bothers me. I really never could being raped before kindergarden, but now I really can't because I chose to do these things. I feel dirty. I feel like no one would wait until I'm ready for it. Gosh knows I can't actually wait until I'm married because as we all know same sex marriage isn't legal. I don't know what to do about it.

My cousin saw a picture of me and told my dad I was gay just by looking at me. So today my dad tells me this by asking if one day me and my future wife will come visit him if he moves to florida. I got confused and asked what he meant. And he told me that my cousin told him this. I denied it though. I don't think I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror for a long time. I already can't look at myself with out hating what I see. I want to destroy all evidence that I exist and just not exist to anyone anymore. I understand why suicide is so high among the LGBT community. Being home alone for a week cannot be good for me.
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Aug. 5th, 2006 @ 11:35 am (no subject)
So coming up in a few weeks, sooner than I can handle I'll be very alone. My family will be in Washington attending a wedding for my brother's best friend. Laura, my best friend will also be in Washington but that's to help another friend of hers move into college. A lot of the church staff will be in Guatemala on a mission trip. I don't have anyone else that I see in a week. And my house scares me at night alone. oh woe is me...
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Jul. 30th, 2006 @ 11:15 pm (no subject)
I just had a really good steak!

I got to thinking a lot on the way home from church today. I'm also taking my happy pills so I can concentrate on things instead of being so spacie. I thought a lot about church and christianity. Northwestern Bookstore makes me kinda ill. I feel like there is nothing real in there... not the people, or the books or anything. I feel like I'm being fed such an unrealistic faith. I feel like it's a faith that only works for middle class white sheltered americans. What about the street kids I want to work with. What about pain... real pain, none of this pain that can actually be solved by listening to a speaker talk. I'm talking about pain that wakes you up at night and makes you desire so badly to feel sane, that sometimes you cry because you don't know what else do about this pain. All the books in the store will tell you the same thing: they will tell you how to fix your problem, kinda like sweeping the dirt under a rug so you can't see it anymore. They don't have anything for the real pain, for life outside of surburban white america. And the "solution" is just that there is a problem that needs to be fixed to be normal, and to be in contact with God again. It make sme want to write something real. But there is so much else I should be doing... like writing cards to my kids and praying for them. Or sending mail to others who I have neglected.
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Jul. 27th, 2006 @ 09:35 pm (no subject)
I hate fasfa... I have tried to resign in and it won't let me... it says my password isn't right, or that I'm spelling my name wrong... none of these things can be right! GAH!

I'm sad right now too... and I don't really know why. I feel empty.
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Jul. 27th, 2006 @ 01:32 pm (no subject)
I cut my hair again! I'd post it what I look like, but I don't know how. I even got it hawked! I want to show people because I feel like I look good with it. I even went to the mall yesterday to show it off... too bad there was nodoby even at the mall on a wednesday!
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Jul. 24th, 2006 @ 05:27 pm (no subject)
Current Mood: goodgood
It's pouring here. I'm at work and it's kinda scary here in a storm. I'm in a little old house that feel like it's going to blow down, or burn down. I'm also kinda worried because there hasn't been a tornado for a long time... and I feel like it's time for there to be one. It's been like 10 minutes, and the parking lot infront of me is flooded! It's cool to watch the water level rise so fast.

I have to go mini golf for Chill Zone tomorrow.. and I'm not really sure how to set it up... or even how many holes it should have. I should look that up.
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